Fuck.

I hate that I can only perceive things in relation to how they affect me. It's really all we can do, isn't it? I mean, I don't know how other people feel, what they think. The first thing that comes to anyone's mind is how something is going to affect their life.

I feel selfish and egocentric in the worst way.

Something peculiar happened to me.

So I thought I would write it down. I scribbled it rather hastily because I'm quite busy with everything I have to do for the end of the semester, so it's not well written and I don't think I got across exactly how odd it was, but whatever:

I've noticed that I've been eating alone more often lately. I decided to take a seat in the dining hall at one of the smaller tables, it always feels odd to eat by myself at a table that can fit 10 people. Among the rows of tables pushed up against the wall I found an unoccupied table at the very end, the table closest to it had a lone student eating there as well. I sat down with my back towards him, I've always felt that it would be quite awkward to sit facing another person that was eating by themselves while I ate by myself. Two people sitting like that, looking at each other as they ate, it would just make more sense for them to sit at the same table. In any case, as I sat down I realized that the other chair at his table had a jacket on it, apparently he wasn't sitting alone. As I started to eat my food I looked up to stare at the newly falling snow through the window. My neighbor's tablemate had returned and the two struck up a conversation. I soon realized that the two were somewhat of a couple. Perhaps it was an early date, that is if you can consider going out to dinner at a dining hall a date. The conversation they held was an interesting one for a date, the girl had asked him when he first found out what her name was. I felt like it was something you'd see in a movie, probably a quirky and arty romance. He went on to explain himself, but I didn't give the conversation much attention so a lot of it passed through my head. Mostly I was gripped with wishing that I could have that conversation with someone. I thought of what had happened to start their relationship. Perhaps the boy was interested in this girl, maybe they shared a class or studied in the same part of the library often, she must have recognized who he was over time as well. Somehow he had found out her name, I almost wished I didn't fail to hear this part because it honestly intrigues me now, and had started talking to her. Now here they were, on a date not even a couple of feet away from me. I recalled girls from my classes that I was interested in, girls that I had passed often while walking about campus. Could the same thing happen to me? Just how had he figured out her name, asked her out to dinner? I quickly finished eating, I never like to take too long when I'm eating by myself, and got ready to leave. As I turned to walk by my neighbor's table I noticed the seat that was empty when I arrived was empty again, she must have gone to get something else. As I passed the table from around the corner came one of those girls that I had passed by often on campus, one who I was rather smitten with. For a slight moment I thought it a sign but then I realized she was getting ready to sit down in the unoccupied chair. As I walked outside I felt the cold of the snow that was starting to nest itself in my hair.

Today I got upset and wrote this.

It's in an odd style, I'm not sure what happened:

I don't care, it's a simple a matter as that. Why should anyone take offense to that statement? I'm my own person and I keep on living, that's what I'm concerned about. I'm still here. I still have to keep living. I have obligations such as those to uphold. It's not easy, living, but I keep at it. In order to keep at it, I stop caring. Things happen, I try not to care. People around me seem to care, but they don't have any real connection to it. How do you have a connection with another person so easily? I find making connections like that quite difficult. I'm not very good at it. Other people apparently find connections simply in proximity, or through watching someone on the television. Miles and miles can separate you from someone on a television, yet people still feel a connection? To me that's a disconnect. The more I see someone on a television the more removed I feel from them. I know they're not part of my life and I'm reminded of that fact every time I see them on the screen. To me, they're nothing more than the screen, nothing less. They are the screen and I am me. I can touch the screen, but it doesn't mean I'm touching them. How can you make such a connection? There are billions of people in the world, I only feel connected to those that I know, that I see, that I touch, that I feel. When I can reach out and touch someone on a regular basis, I know that I've made a connection with them. When I hear someone's name or see their picture often, I know I haven't made a connection with them. How do they do it? How do they make that connection? Affiliation? There are plenty of people affiliated with various things that I am a part of, I'm not connected to them. We're simply at the same place, or do the same things. That doesn't mean I know them, that doesn't mean I'm connected to them. I worry about the people I know, the people I touch, the people whom I can make laugh, the people who make me laugh, the people who comfort me, the people whom I feel the need to comfort. The people whom I feel the need to comfort, that is the basis of my connection. Life itself is one large disconnect, from billions upon billions of people, numbers unfathomable to me. How could I possibly connect with someone based off of such arbitrary things? I can't feel for everyone, it's impossible. The sorrow would be overwhelming, unbearable. I only care about the people who I'm connected to, the ones I already care about. I can't simply start caring about someone that I had maybe heard of once or twice before just because something happened. I'm sorry. Hate me, I don't care. I really don't care.

College

Not as life changing as I thought it would be.

I mean it's different, but the whole sense of new and fresh beginnings doesn't actually happen.

Oh well.

New beginnings with the new school year, hopefully.

That's my plan at least.

I have accomplished little to nothing this summer.

One week left until I move in to school and then I start classes next Monday. I haven't done anything productive this summer or did any of the things I said I was going to.

Here's a list of what I did manage to do:
1. Sit around a lot learning about random information.
2. Watch a few odd movies.
3. Invest far too much time in video games.
4. Grow a beard (this isn't so much an accomplishment as it is me deciding I don't like shaving every day).

I feel a bit more awful about this because of an experience I had today. Not to go into detail or anything, but it just struck me how there are some people in my life that really do care that I'm happy and that care about helping me live a comfortable life. Much more comfortable of a life then when they were a child, a teenager, or a young adult like I am now. I feel like it's not right for me to accept anything from people who have worked hard all of their lives and still don't have that much to show for it.

I have no ambition, I'm lazy, I mope around a lot, I complain about things far too often and sometimes I just don't even care what happens to me. I don't really deserve anything. There are people out there in life that deserve much more than me and don't get it.

I guess the thing is, I don't really know what I'm doing with my life. Sure I have some plans but I have no idea how they are going to work out and there's a part of me (a large one at that) that doesn't even care if they work out or not. I feel as if I'm just going along wherever life is taking me without really taking much direction, and yet people are still trying to help me along.

I feel horrible when other people want me to be happy and go out of their way to try and help me be happy because sometimes even I don't care about my well being at all.

Why should others be concerned for someone who has already given up on himself?

It's taken me a while, but I've reached some conclusions.

It's a natural part of life really, for any human that is. People slowly drift apart. In my case, and maybe some others, it can also happen quite abruptly. The bottom line though is that people drift apart. It's just what happens. Time passes slowly, we live quite a long time and the fact of the matter is we can't always be with the people we want to be. It happens for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it happens for no reason. Life keeps creeping along though, myself floating away in one direction and you in another. We all have our paths, some straight and narrow, some erratic and jittery, some hesitant; there are as many paths as there are ways someone can live their life. It's because of that path that we can both run into each other and run away from each other. The only constant is that life continues.

Life continues and sometimes you don't have any say in your direction, you can't stop yourself from drifting away from those you want to be with. That's half the problem. The other half is that you lack control over the lives of others, you can't catch them and make them stay. Sure you can reach out and try to grab a hold of them, but it doesn't always work.

There are a few forms of distance we experience on an everyday basis:

Physical distance. You have to move, other people have to move. Jobs, schooling, family, there are many reasons.

Emotional distance. We can be physically close yet remain distant from each other. Arguments, lack of communication, there are many reasons.

Temporal distance. This is the oddest type of distance. Sometimes we just don't live in the same time as each other. Some people have to work for a living, some people are still in school, some people have started families, some people have become very mature. People will always have different life experiences and sometimes it separates them from you. It's not that you're far away, or that you don't feel the same way you used to about someone, it's just that you can't understand them. They're at a different point in their life than you are. They understand and look at the world differently than you. This is perhaps the one type of distance we have the least amount of control over and it's possibly the greatest distance you can experience from someone.

We experience some sort of distance from every single person we've met in our lives in one form or another, even if it's only temporary. Yet again, life still continues as these distances grow.

And you know what? Maybe that's the problem.

You can never go back, you can never say the things you meant to say, you can never do the things you meant to do. Instead, you can keep living your life wondering what would or could have happened. You can keep looking for those people from your past and you may indeed find them again (in one way or another), yet you can never find the person you lost. The simple fact is, they're another person now. They've changed, you've changed, it's not the same. Those things you wanted to say? The things you wanted to do? They won't have the same impact. Time degrades the meaning of things.

So instead you keep living, looking for that person from your past, hoping to find them. Not the physical person, but the person they were. The problem is you're never going to find them. Never.


My point is: there are so many things I wish I had done for the people in my life, so many things I wish I said to the people in my life. I still know some of these people and I've considered going back to them and doing or saying these things, but it's pointless. It won't be the same. I'm going to keep making these mistakes and keep looking for people I'm sure to lose in the future... but at least I understand what's happening and why it's happening.

Maybe one day I'll learn to do and say the things I want to in the present when I want to do them, when I want to say them... when they'll mean exactly what they're supposed to mean.